Christ and Cutting Somebody Out of Your Life
Is there a time for you, as a Christian, to tell somebody that you will no longer have anything to do with them? And, if so, how do you do that in a Christlike manner?
Last May I ended an acquaintance that had lasted for ten years. I had encountered this man, on average, a couple of times per week over that decade and from the start I noticed that he tended to become very negative a bout many things. Sometimes I agreed with him.most times, I did not. but our conversations were usually friendly and occasionally thought-provoking, so, I maintained the relationship.
But over the course of years, I steadily wore down.
We had several bitter arguments about matters of little importance. And a couple of others in which I told him straight-out that I am a Christian and that I was not going to listen to his sordid sexual comments about women or racial slurs of immigrants and Muslims. Like me, this man claims to be a Christian.
Notwithstanding my increasing discomfort with this man, I felt the need to be something of a friend to him. I apologized after a couple of arguments and, perhaps, should have done so more. I encouraged his efforts to get in shape. And I made at least a half-hearted effort to understand his contrary points of view and look past his pessimistic nature, put-downs of others, and gossip. But more and more I found myself anticipating his next negative barrage and preparing my counter-arguments. I discovered myself, a number of times, actively hoping not to see him and engaging in speculative arguments with him in my head. It wasn’t good. In the words of my three-year-old nephew, “It made me cwanky.” And after seeing him, I would become even “cwankier.”
Finally, there came a day when he pounced on me – in public and within earshot of friends - and barked an attack that I had fairly well anticipated. I tried to present him with the facts and solid reasoning that countered his rant, but I ended up ranting back.
Hours later, I was still carrying on the mutual diatribe in my head. Something had to change. It was simply not good for my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being to anticipate seeing this man, to actually attempt a conversation with him, and to then be still ranting in my brain with him hours after our last encounter.
I prayed about it and I went to scripture. There, I found the following verses:
“Do not speak to fools, for they will scorn your prudent words.” (Proverbs 23:9)
“Do not answer fools according to their folly, or you yourself will become like them.” (Proverbs 26:4)
“Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good character.”
Now, I may or may not be accurate in assessing this man to be a fool, but there can be no doubt that, for me, this man was, indeed, Bad Company.
I resolved to take action.
Two days later, the man approached me, smiling, and asked an innocent question. I could have easily smiled back and let by-gones be by-gones, but I answered shortly and then said without hesitation, “You and I can no longer speak with each other.” (That may sound harsh. I ask you to consider that it took ten years for me to get there.)
He flinched slightly, recovered quickly, and said, “That’s no problem.”
I went on to explain, “You’re the most bitter and abrasive person I know and I can’t have that poison in my life.”
He repeated, “That’s no problem,” and walked away.
We have not spoken to each other in the eight months hence, and I have no intention of breaking my silence. I have not said anything to our mutual friends about the man or my decision not to speak with him. I pray for him nightly. And I ask God to heal our relationship, but until – and unless – that happens I know that it is God’s command for me to have nothing to do with him. His bitterness is poison to my soul and nobody’s “friendship” is worth that.
Richard Jarzynka
Blessed with Bipolar www.bipolarman.org
on January 5th, 2010 at 12:55 PM
Hello: I read this and understand where you are coming from. This same senario happened to me recently with one of my best friends of over 30 years and I felt that I had to break it off.
on January 5th, 2010 at 2:22 PM
Bill, It isn’t an easy thing to have to do. But when we’ve tried to address the troubles in a friendship and it keeps pulling us away from where the Lord wants us to be, I think we reach a point where we have little choice but to break it off. Marriage would be a different story. I would need biblical reasons (adultery) to seek a divorce, but even there I think there are times when a temporary separation can be helpful.
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on April 4th, 2011 at 9:37 AM
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I just recently broke off a friendship with someone, who I have known for quite some time now. It was basically because he engaged in immoral behavior that I felt was degrading to women, and I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Also, he had absolutely no qualms about discussing it with me, which I found, in and of itself, disrespectul.
It would have been an easier pill to swallow, had he at least recognized that his behavior was wrong. But he did not, and had no intention of changing. What’s worse, he claimed to be “ultra-religious”.
I ended up telling him that I thought his behavior was “vile, filthy, and disgusting”, and that he was “a hypocrite of the highest degree”…and to never contact me again.
I beat myself up about it for a bit, because I felt I was being judgemental. And I was. I can only hope that God can forgive me for that, as I realize that my behavior has often been far from perfect. However, like you, I could no longer endure having that poison in my life.
It’s good to know I’m not alone.
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on July 10th, 2011 at 9:00 PM
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